Chards of Glass from the Past
Imagine chards of glass everywhere. You do your best to sweep it up, as you continually step on the tiny painful slivers over and over again. You want to believe that if you sweep it up into a nice neat pile over in the corner and deal with it when you are “ better prepared” then it won’t be as painful. But no matter how hard you try, you are constantly stepping on those chards of glass only to feel the full force of the original pain over and over again… And so it is with grief!
That’s what today was like for me…well honestly, most days are like that to one degree or another…it’s just that today was unexpected, yet so very painful…
Today, I stepped on to an elliptical machine to work out for the first time since 4/30/2017. I can only assume that subconsciously I had been avoiding the elliptical machine, and the gym for that matter, since the day my son passed away. You see, after church and a yummy bagel, Kamran and I had gone to the gym to work out together. It had been an amazing morning. Church and bagels were normal mother/son time, but this day (4/30/2017) was different. Kamran suggested we stay at the bagel place and eat our bagels and talk….any mom knows that’s an awesome invitation from her son. Kamran talked about how happy he was, he talked about all the plans he had and all the dreams for the future. He talked about his desire to diversify his time between his work at Crown, school at Cal State Fullerton, working on his real estate classes and volunteering at church in IHC Kids. He was making plans and this momma was proud. You see Kamran had just come off of a really hard 9 month period and I was thanking God that I finally had the real Kamran back… Then he invited me to go work out with him at the gym. What 22 year old wants to work out with their mother????? I was thrilled…not necessarily to work out…but to spend some more time with Kamran.
That was the last activity Kamran and I would ever do together…
So, today when my husband said come and work out with me… my subconscious and my conscious self must have been dozing or maybe it was jet lag…I didn’t think anything about it…I said sure, and went with him.
It’s the unexpected emotional ambush that is always the worst and most agonizing!
Oblivious to what was about to happen… I stepped onto the elliptical machine, and put in my earbuds… I got about two steps in and WHAM…there it was…the chards of glass cutting deep into my heart… the visions of that other gym, that other machine, my precious son, that last activity that Kamran and I shared together, that “LAST DAY TOGETHER HERE ON EARTH.”
It literally sucked the air out of my lungs and I gasp as tears begin to roll down my face and sobs, ugly sobs violently wracked my body….
A part of my brain was screaming get off and stop…but another part was saying keep moving…. move through the chards of glass from the past..
I kept moving and just let the tears fall…remembering…remembering it all…
Letting those chards of glass from the past bring their pain…but continuing to move through it.
After a chunk of time my mind began to clear and through the screeching memories I faintly heard my itunes playing through my earbuds….the words of the song were like a calming balm to my mind.
It was a song; one I had not heard before…just one of those extra songs that come on an album when you purchase it for the 1 or 2 special songs you love.
It was Lauren Daigle’s song “Remember”
In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe
Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me
Everything is crashing down, everything I had known
When I wonder if I’m all alone
I remember, I remember
You have always been faithful to me
I remember, I remember
Even when my own eyes could not see
You were there, always there…
As I listened to the words, I felt a sense of peace and assurance flow through me…knowing that God has been faithful never to leave me…not for one moment during this grief journey.
God is not unaware of my suffering. He is not deaf to the cries of my broken heart. He has been faithful to carry me through this valley of the shadow of death and He will not stop…I will never be alone in this!
I am in awe of how much He loves me and how He gives me that perfect “thing” ( this song) at exactly the moment when it is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED. That my friends is no coincidence….He does it all the time.
Whatever you are going through…whatever chards of glass from your past sneak in and cause you to feel that pain all over again…please know you have a loving Father in heaven who is there for you. He is not unaware of your sufferings…He is not deaf to the cries of your heart. Keep moving and reach out for Him, and when you can’t reach out…listen for Him….He is a faithful God and you can stand on His promises. It doesn’t mean the pain will disappear…mine never will… it doesn’t mean the tiny slivers or glass won’t come back to hurt you from time to time…but it does mean you can trust Him to be there with you and to get you through the pain…even in the darkest hour, even when you cannot breathe.
Deuteronomy 31:6 “…He will never leave you nor forsake you.”
As an added little sweet gift from God…as I was walking out of the gym I glanced over and saw the painting at the tope of this post, on the wall of a small alcove off of the hallway to the elevator…
those of you that know our story, know about Kamran and the “Wild Horses”….
Yeah…that is no coincidence either! God’s Got This!