Choosing to Celebrate…
I wish you were here to celebrate your 25thbirthday. I miss you terribly.
I can’t even wrap my mind around all the emotions swirling inside of it today. September 12th….one of the best days of my life…YOU were born.…I want to CELEBRATE it…you loved birthday parties, especially if they were yours…I used to gain so much joy doing over the top decorations, balloons, a crazy cake and all the fun and obnoxious things that came with that…and now, today…a part of me still wants to celebrate your birth, and the 22 years, 7 months and 18 days, you were here on earth blessing my life in “over the top” fashion…because that’s just how you rolled…from birth to death…you celebrated LIFE…I want to celebrate your life…
I want to celebrate the amazing young man that you were, celebrate the son who was a momma’s boy and didn’t care what people thought about it, celebrate by magnifying the JOY that you constantly brought with you…wherever you were… celebrate you, a young man who was brave enough to stand out in a crowd. Kamran you were always brave enough to stand up for what you believed and follow it through…I want to celebrate that.
I want to Celebrate the overwhelming love I had for you the first moment I laid eyes on you, and celebrate how God filled you up with so much love that it was constantly sloshing over and splashing onto the people you met.
I remember the first time I saw you…I knew were special…those big milk chocolate eyes, opened wide, sparkling, alert and ready to take on the world…
I remember the last time I saw you…I knew then too, that you were special…those big milk chocolate eyes, opened wide, sparkling, alert and ready to take on the world again…
That last day, that last day…you were so full of hope and promise and dreams…you had struggled for a few months, but you were back…my baby was back… you held your head up proud as you shared all your thoughts, dreams, and plans with me, and I was so happy and proud to hear them all. YOU were clinging on tight to God and trusting where He was going to take you… You weren’t afraid of anything…even dying…
and now today…I feel myself clinging on tight to God because if I don’t… I don’t know where “IT” will take me.
What is “IT”…I don’t even know…GRIEF, Pain, Anguish…All of the Above…I guess…it’s hard to give it a name…many “unnamable” things live on this journey of losing one of the people I loved the most in this whole world. I may not know what to call it exactly, because there doesn’t seem to be a word in the English language that properly describes it….but I know how it FEELS and I don’t want to go where “IT” wants to take me without my hand solidly in Jesus’ hand. I’ve been walking in the valley of the shadow of death long enough to know that the dichotomy of emotions that are swirling in my head have the power and potential to render me useless, hopeless, and void if I don’t have the power of Jesus’ hand to pull me out of the muck and the mire that “IT” takes me to.
So today I cling to Jesus’ hand and His Word!
“I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.” Psalm 40:1-3
…SO Today I WILL celebrate your birthday. I am not going to let the dark damp reality rob me of the joy of celebrating YOU and the day God brought you into this world and all the JOY that followed. Today I may cry, I will most definitely miss you, but I will also Praise God for you and this day that he made me your Momma and for the 22 years, 7 months and 18 days He blessed me with your presence here on this Earth. Today I will also put my trust in Him, as I continue to cling to His hand, for what comes next…as this journey though the valley of the shadow of death is anything but easy and nothing but unpredictable…
Happy 25thBirthday Kamran, Momma loves you to infinite and beyond!