The first Sunday in April… I sit in church and I begin to have some anxiety… I suddenly realize…I’ve messed up… I’ve sat to close to that seat I sat in 5 years ago when we held Kamran’s celebration of life service. As worship begins anxiety unleashes itself…I have to move, I have to sit somewhere else!
Anxiety continues to build, disguising itself as fatigue and frustration so it can creep deep inside my heart and mind before I realize what it really is. And then when it is firmly embedded in my being it rips off the disguise and reveals itself…GRIEF! There it is… unleashing pain, sorrow and agony… like a jagged razor ripping wider the edges of that hollow hole… in which losing Kamran left inside of me. The rawness of the agony that I did not think I could survive 5 years ago on that fateful night comes back with a violent fury taking my breath away…and I say to myself, “ how can this be real? How can my boy, so full of life, love and dreams be gone… in an instant… gone! My heart screams NO to what my brain knows to be true! The two still have not reconciled the death of Kamran, and they battle inside of me often. I know for some people in my life, they think 5 years should be enough time to grieve. “Surely you are better by now,” they say to me… I know it’s because they love and care for me and that they want this to be true…but it’s just NOT! How do I explain to them that it’s actually worse in some ways. Even after 5 years, with every sunrise I open my eyes and my first thought is… my son isn’t here. Another day without him… I miss him more and more each day. As time passes the living losses begin to show up to torture us even more… the new nephew and niece he will never play with, the wedding we will never get to plan, the grandchildren we will not get to add to our family. These are our living losses along with many more.
As the month progresses I realize once again that grief is so unpredictable! The only predictable thing about grief is that IT IS unpredictable. Partly because your loved one isn’t here anymore and partially because I’m not the same person I once was. Grief is a Journey with great challenges in loving others well, because a part of you is gone and the challenge of loving yourself… your new self…whom you don’t really like much sometimes…if you are really honest!
As the month continues to progress, the weight of the anguish presses down hard on my heart and mind…some days grief saturates every crevice of my being…threatening to block out all things that hold the potential for joy… but I cannot let it. I know that Kamran wouldn’t want that for me and God doesn’t want that for me either. So, I must learn to live in moments that hold both joy and sorrow. This is so much easier said than done… but I’m learning…it’s a slow process.
Now here we are April 30, 2022. Once again I wake up to the reality…once again I cry because I wish it were a bad dream! I replay the day 5 years ago, over and over in my mind. A day that began and held so much beauty and promise ended in such tragedy and unending sorrow for me, my family, and so many others who loved Kamran.
I don’t know what I’m going to do today, the 5th anniversary date…but I know I need to hang on to Hope! The hope that Jesus gives me to know that every day; however painful it may be, is one day closer to seeing Kamran again and being in glory with him and my faithful God who has never left me!
Thank you to all of you who have loved Kamran, and loved me and my family through this 5 years. Thank you to my friends who have loved me IN SPITE of the new less perky, less pleasant, less pleasing person I have become! I know you miss the old Debbie, I do too! But you’ve loved me anyway and I am forever grateful for each of you! My family and I could not be surviving this journey without all the wonderful people God surrounds us with. Once again, He is a faithful God! Today; April 30th, will come and go… and then another day, another week, another year… An infamous date that has forever changed the trajectory of my life and the lives of all the people who loved Kamran. A date that left scars to permeate through all the other dates that come after it. Please don’t forget him, please never stop mentioning his name or telling me stories, or sending me pictures! May God bless you for loving so well!
I’m going to start my day now… Praying and trusting God with Gratitude & HOPE! Continuing to learn to live in a moment holding both sorrow and joy AND Hanging on to that LIVING HOPE God gave me… and knowing that every day, is one day closer!
“I can do all things through Him who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13
Kamran’s favorite verse and one I cling to!